"A Guide to Men" by Helen Rowland - 10 - Second Marriages (Intermezzo)

SECOND MARRIAGES HINTS ON HOW TO CONDUCT ENCORE PERFORMANCES OF THE CEREMONY A BRIDE at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting. Always send your former husband a notice of your marriage; true politeness consists in giving pleasure to others. If you meet your ex-husband's fiancée, treat her with sympathetic courtesy. Remember that she is more to be pitied than scorned. If the bridegroom does not show up, marry the best man. After a few weeks you will not be able to notice the difference between them. Either will make you the same old excuses, tell you the same stories and give you the same "stock" kisses in the morning.[100] When your second husband begins to speak wistfully of your first husband, do not chide him; remember that misery loves company, and perhaps it is a comfort to him to think that some one else has been as foolish as he has. Never consider your wedding a settled thing until you have gotten the man to the altar. The primary rule for marrying is "First catch your husband!" Besides, there's many a slip 'twixt the license and the certificate-and you may let him slip. In selecting husbands, always consider that it is quality, not quantity, that counts. One or two marriages, like one or two drinks, may not have any visible effect upon you. But don't make it a custom.[101] A woman marries the first time, you know, for love, the second time for companionship, the third time for a support-and the rest of the time just from habit. When marrying a second time refrain from asking your friends what they think about it. Remember that they all think you are a fool. INTERMEZZO A MAN'S kisses are first reverent, then rapturous, then tender, then casual, and last-charitable. The hardest thing in life is to discover the exact geographical location of a man's grouch-whether it is in his tooth, his vanity or his digestion, or is just a chronic condition of the whole system. Being in love is like a fascinating spin at will in an automobile; being married, like a trolley trip on rails, with somebody ringing the bell at you every few minutes. A woman's love is composed of maternal tenderness, childlike inconsistency, torturing jealousy and sublime unselfishness-and how is a man ever going to comprehend a mixture like that? Alas, why is it that the most popular and fascinating women are so often the last to marry, and then nearly always pluck either a broken stick from the tide of life or a brand from the burning?[103] Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same way more than half of the time. A woman always wants her photograph to flatter her, but a man is perfectly satisfied if he gets one that looks as fascinating and impressive as he thinks he does. A jealous husband can put two and two together-and make fourteen. When a man hesitates to propose to a girl he is never quite sure whether it is the fear of being "turned down" or the fear of being "taken up" which paralyzes him. Spring is the time of the year when the eternal monotony of the daily grind gives a man brain-fag-and the eternal monotony of any one girl appears to give him heart-fag.[104] A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her. Of course, a girl hates to wound a man; but sometimes, after a painful parting, it would seem so much more artistic if he would only remain "wounded" just a little longer. Making a man promise to drop a woman simply excites his sympathy for her, so that, before he has fairly cut the string, he is anxious to tie a knot in it again. The hardest task of a girl's life, nowadays, is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. Love, without faith, illusions and trust, is-Lord forgive us-cinders, ashes and dust! A man who strays for love of a woman may sometimes be reclaimed; but the man who strays for love of amusement or love or novelty will never "stay put" for any girl.[105] Most girls, nowadays, would give almost as much for a little genuine sentiment and a really convincing kiss, as for a genuine "old master" and a really convincing novel. There are a hundred things that the cleverest man in the world never can understand-and ninety-nine of them are women. Many a man who is too tender-hearted to pour salt on an oyster will pour sarcasm all over his wife's vanity and then wonder why she always shrivels up in her shell at the sight of him. A grub may become a butterfly, but the man who marries a butterfly, expecting to turn her into a grub, should remember that nature never works that way. A married man's hardest cross is not to be able to brag to his wife about the women who "tried to flirt with him."[106] Plato has lured more men into matrimony than Cupid. A man can see an arrow coming and dodge it, but platonic friendship strikes him in the back. Many a man has started out to "string" a girl, and gotten so tangled up, that the string ended in a marriage tie. Habit is the cement which holds the links of matrimony together when the ties of romance have crumbled. He that telleth a secret unto a married man may prepare himself for a lot of free advertising; for, lo, the conjugal pillow is the root of all gossip. To make a man perfectly happy tell him he works too hard, that he spends too much money, that he is "misunderstood" or that he is "different;" none of this is necessarily complimentary, but it will flatter him infinitely more than merely telling him that he is brilliant, or noble, or wise, or good.[107] After a woman has lain awake half the night in order to be able to call her husband in time to catch his train it's rather hard to be hated for it, just like an alarm clock. A man expects a woman to laugh at all his jokes, admire all his bon mots, agree with all his opinions, and be blind to all his faults-and then he scornfully wonders why women are so "hypocritical." A diamond and a lump of coal are merely two varieties of carbon; but they are as different as the two things which the right wife and the wrong wife can make of the same man. Sometimes man proposes-and then keeps the girl waiting until the Lord kindly interposes. A WOMAN FLEES FROM TEMPTATION, BUT A MAN JUST CRAWLS AWAY FROM IT IN THE CHEERFUL HOPE THAT IT MAY OVERTAKE HIM